Artemis Fowl and the Hogwarts Incident
by Big Friendly Walrus
Summary: Artemis Fowl goes to Hogwarts, as only the Walrus could tell it.


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Artemis Fowl and the Hogwarts Incident

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Written by the Big Friendly Walrus

1

The Mission

Root had his arms crossed. Artemis sat in front of him.

"Mud man, we have drafted you to infiltrate Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We have suspicions that they are doing drugs with the Bwa 'Kell goblin cartel."

Artemis looked at his fingernails. "Why must it be me?"

Root laughed. The noxious fungus cigar almost fell out of his mouth. "Because you are human…and it is smelly, smelly work."

Artemis shrugged. "And if I refuse?" He said coldly.

Root chuckled. "Then we'll throw you in a cell with a dwarf who is very interested in little boys such as yourself."

Artemis grinned. "Ah, but the students from Hogwarts…they are wizards, are they not? And I am just a mere boy."

"Ah, yes." Said Root. Then he barked: "Captain Short! Get in here!"

Holly strutted in. She had been listening outside the whole time. "Yes?" She asked.

"Get Artemis here the Magical Converter equipment." Root said.

"Right on it." Holly grabbed Artemis by the hand and dragged him out.

The two walked down the hall. "Eh, Captain Short?" Artemis asked.

"Yes, Artemis?"

"What's this Magical Converter thing Root was talking about?"

Holly smiled. "Foaly's been working on some invention to transfer magical powers into mud men such as yourself. You're our first test subject."

Artemis yawned. "Awfully convenient of him to be making such an invention right now, is it not?"

Holly playfully punched him in the shoulder. "Shut up and do your work."

Holly led Artemis into a room. Foaly was sitting at some complicated computer screen. Next to him was what looked like an ordinary outhouse. Artemis blanched. "That's it?"

Foaly grinned. "Yep. In you go."

"Is it supposed to look like an, I don't know--"

"Yep." Foaly repeated with a snicker. "And wait till you smell the inside of it."

Artemis went inside the outhouse-turned-Magical Converter. Foaly was right. It stunk like something awful. He sat down on the toilet seat and waited. There was a slight buzzing noise. There was a bright flash of light. The toilet flushed underneath him, and the door opened.

"Well?" Said Artemis, getting out.

"Try it yourself." Foaly chuckled.

Artemis shook his fingers. "Ah, um…bubble, bubble, toil and trouble?"

Green sparks flew out of his fingers, somersaulted and hit him on the head. "Agh!" Artemis screamed.

Holly giggled.

"Well," Foaly said, scratching his chin. "It's a start."

Later, Artemis Fowl took a plane to Britain with Butler.

"Are you sure you want to do this, sir?" Butler asked.

"Positive, Butler." Artemis said, doing some cross word puzzles. "I like new challenges."

"Whatever you say, sir." Butler said, looking out the window.

With some instructions and some counterfeited school books written by Foaly (they decided not to communicate via technology, as such stuff apparently went bust in Hogwarts…the centaur was trying to find something that was 'Hogwarts Proof' but nothing worked so far), Artemis managed to find a secret passage in Kings Cross Station, London.

As he boarded a large train, he noticed other kids his age boarding the train. They all looked eccentric and weird.

"Babbling fools." Muttered Artemis as he went inside the train.

Artemis found a seat near the end of the train and sat down by himself. He began unpacking his stuff onto the empty space next to him, hoping the other students would take the hint.

It wasn't before long when the girl came to him. She had hazel brown eyes, long dark hair and ruby red lips.

"Hi!" She said sweetly.

Artemis didn't even look at her.

"My name is Jewel! I'm a distant relative of Harry Potter, and my parents were murdered by Voldemort—"

Artemis looked her in the eyes. "Ask me if I care."

The girl gave a small cry and ran off.

Artemis sighed and went to sleep.

When he woke up, the train was already at Hogwarts. He followed the regular procedures and managed to avoid everyone until the Sorting. He sat by himself with the Bloody Baron, whom Artemis found to be good company. The two spent most of the meal glaring at each other.

During the sorting, Artemis watched with contempt as other wizards had a hat placed over their heads that shouted out the names of the classes; 'Gryffindor!', 'Hufflepuff!', 'Ravenclaw', and 'Slytherin!'

Artemis sighed and waited until he was called.

"Fowl, Artemis!" Artemis got up and slowly walked to the Sorting Hat.

As soon as he put it on, he heard the voice of Lucifer in his head.

_Hello, little child. Do not worry. All is well._

Artemis stiffened as he felt an invisible hand sweep through his head, going through all his personal memories, raiding through his privacy, stealing his individuality in horrifying strokes—

_Yes, yes. Very interesting. You'd make a fine Slytherin. Ah…what about all these sexual fantasies with this 'Captain Short'?_

"Get out of my head!" Artemis screamed.

The students all looked at him. Some of them chuckling.

_Oh, yes…what an interesting fellow…wait a second…you're not a wizard!_

"Of course I am!" Artemis said.

Dumbledore, the main wizard at the table, glanced at Artemis and the Hat. "What's going on?"

"Nothing sir," Said the hat. "Except for the fact that this young man is a Muggle…and worse, he's Irish!"

The rest of the crowd gasped.

"Of course I'm a wizard!" Artemis said, throwing the hat off of him. "Look at this!" He shouted some arcane phrase in Latin and then wiggled his fingers, and purple sparks flew out of his fingers.

"Most impressive." Said Dumbledore. "But it appears that you are a Muggle who has been…tampered, to say in the least. Why, I doubt you can handle a wand!"

"We have to send him back," said a teacher by his side. She looked strict, and had rimmed glasses.

"Well, Minerva…you know the train won't come back until Christmas…"

"What do we do then?"

The ancient wizard sighed, stroking his beard. "Well, he can't stay here. There's no way he can participate in any of the classes."

"D'you think Rubeus can let him—?"

"Yes, that sounds like the best option."

The other wizards around Artemis were all whispering. Artemis could feel their staring eyes bear into his back.

"Mr. Fowl?" Said Dumbledore at last.

"Yes?" Artemis said.

"I honestly have no idea how you came here. After all, this is a place for magical folk, not Muggles. And you are most certainly a Muggle, no matter what witchcraft you can perform."

Artemis stammered. All the hard work, pulled apart by a perverse hat!

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"You'll be able to have lunch here, but you can certainly not attend the classes! Instead, our groundkeeper, Rubeus Hagrid, will let you stay with him in his, eh, cottage."

Artemis looked sideways down the table. He saw an abnormally large man (even taller than Butler, most likely) with long, shaggy hair and an equally unfathomable beard. The man seemed to be covered in dirt and grime, and a horrifying, putrid stench emanated from him. This was obviously Hagrid. The bestial man saw Artemis, and dropped a horrifyingly salacious wink. The barbarian! While Artemis had manicured his fingernails each night (or asked Butler to do it if he was feeling lazy) this ape had probably taken a shower twice in his life!

"Lousy Brits." Artemis muttered under his breath.

"Eh," Said Dumbledore, clearing his throat. "We have seen that your items have been moved to Hagrid's hut. You may stay here a little longer, but please live within the hour. Thank you."

Artemis got up. All the eyes of the insufferable shamans were on him. "What are you looking at, you babbling loons?" Artemis sniffed, trying to get away.

"----a real _muggle _in Hogwarts----"

"----how d'you think he got his magic---"

"----a spy------"

Artemis did not see this, but from the corner of his eye a pale boy with blonde hair and a ratty face was watching him intently.

Artemis went to leave, but was stopped by a boy with glasses and a scar on his forehead, and his friend, an obvious pauper with messy red hair.

"Hi, I'm Harry Potter." Said the boy with the glasses. "And this here is my friend, Ron Weaseley."

"Bloody Hell!" The pauper exclaimed.

"Well, I just wanted you to know, that we're not all like that." Harry continued. He held out his hand, as if the baboon expected Artemis to shake it. "Friends?"

Artemis gripped Potter's hand tightly. Harry screamed. Artemis gave his trademark smile that Judas Iscariot down in Hell would have been proud of. "I don't want…_friends_, Potter." Fowl whispered. "I don't need…_friends_. Do you understand?"

"Y-yes, sir!" Harry stammered. Ron and he ran off down the hall. The blonde-haired boy from before was still staring intently at Fowl.

Artemis trudged down towards the behemoth Hagrid's cabin.

It seemed to be one room. A small bed (presumably Artemis's) had been placed near a window. There was a bigger one, Hagrid's most likely, near it.

The monster was going through Artemis's stuff and personal items.

"Hey, that's mine!" Artemis cried. "Get your thieving hands off of it!"

Hagrid turned around and gripped Artemis's hand tightly. The smell of rotten meat came from his mouth with each breath. His eyes seemed bloodshot. Upclose, Artemis could see bugs crawling around in Hagrid's horrifying beard.

"All yeh stuff…belongs to _me_. Understand?" Hagrid whispered. It appeared he was drunk. Or did he always act like this.

"Y-yes." Artemis said.

"Good, m'boy." Hagrid gumbled. He shambled across the floor. "Don't worry. I ain't gonna bugger you…yet." He gave a horrible grin.

Artemis went to breakfast the next day. For the first time in several years, he came to breakfast unkempt with bags under his eyes.

The blonde-haired boy sat down across from him, with a steaming bowl of porridge. "Pleased to meet you. The name's Draco Malfoy."

"Pleasure." Artemis said, not bothering with the usual dark wit he often possessed.

"I can tell, wizard or not, that you're a pure Slytherin."

Artemis yawned. "That good or bad?"

"Oh its good." Draco said. "I've always waited for someone like you, someone so cold and inhuman, someone to rival me in egotism. Why, we could be twin brothers!"

"There's a difference in the hair color." Artemis drawled.

Draco cocked an eyebrow. "Of course! But," At this he dropped his voice steadily, "I noticed you're living with that brute, Hagrid. Am I not correct?" Artemis nodded. "How is he?"

"A monster." Artemis groaned.

"How'd you like to share a bunk with me? Me mates Crabbe and Goyle are off in Azkaban for trying to take Madame Pomfrey by force, so I'm all alone. And trust me, I'm not perfect, but I'm a lot better than the oaf Hagrid."

"I bet you are." Artemis said.

"So are you in or out?" Draco asked.

Artemis thought for a moment. "Sure. Why not?"

Later the day, he went back to Hagrid's hut. Hagrid was with an ogre. The ogre was almost as repulsive as Hagrid himself. Artemis had heard Hagrid was a masochist, he loved dangerous creatures and being hurt by them.

"How yeh doin'?" Hagrid said. "This be me friend, Hoglace the Ogre. Won't yeh say h'llo?"

"Howdy." Artemis mumbled.

The ogre grinned. "I love little boys like yerself…especially for dinner! Ah-ha, ah-ha."

"Charming bloke, ain't he?" Hagrid grinned. "Yeh'll be sharing the bed with him tonight, as I don't have any spares."

The ogre licked his lips. Just then, a greasy haired professor followed by Malfoy burst through the opening.

"My dear Hagrid," The professor (who Artemis would find out was called Snape) said, lips curled in a sneer. "Abusing the muggle, aren't you?'

"I was only havin' some fun." Hagrid mumbled.

"Indeed." Snape nodded curtly. "Indeed so. I should tell the Headmaster this, but rather, I'll take the Fowl boy instead. That way, we both win. Or, you could keep him, and I could alert Dumbledore. What do you prefer?"

Hagrid mumbled something unintelligible.

"I knew you'd understand." Snape grinned. "Come along, Fowl. You can share a bunk with Mr. Malfoy here."

_Well_, Artemis thought. _It seems not all these wizards are bad_.

It was night. Artemis had his stuff moved into the Slytherin common room (after telling the current password to a painting of an old man with green fungus on his teeth the password: 'walrus-iffic') and slept on the top bunk. Malfoy slept on the bottom one.

"I sure showed that hairy buffoon, didn't I?" Malfoy drawled.

"Yes," Artemis said. "You did."

"You're not a Jew, are you?"  
  
"No, I can't say I am." Artemis said, putting his head on his pillow.

"Good, that's real good." Malfoy said, pulling down his sleeve. "Like my tattoos, muggle?"

Artemis looked down. Malfoy had a tattoo of a screaming skull with a snake coming out of the mouth on his arm.

"Yes," Agreed Artemis. "Most excellent."

"We're gonna have to get you one."

Artemis laughed. "I don't think so."

"Oh, yeah, I'm gonna brand you myself." Malfoy said with a slight smile.

Artemis felt a bit uneasy. "Livestock gets branded."

Malfoy chuckled. "Yeah, that's exactly what you are- my livestock. Because, Artemis, now, your arse belongs to me."

Later that night, Artemis could feel Malfoy was with him on the top bunk, could smell his fetid breath.

Malfoy uttered some incantation, and a small tip of flame emerged from the tip of his wand. Then he roughly pulled down Fowl's pants, and slowly began to burn some insignia on Artemis's buttocks. Artemis bit down on his lip to suppress a scream as the insufferable British schoolboy branded him. Malfoy slowly and delicately finished burning the permanent design.

It was a swastika.

Artemis desperately wished for Butler or Holly to come and save him, but he was alone with the Nazi wizard. Alone.

Welcome to Hogwarts.**__**

(A/N: Some FYIs for you all:  
  
For those of you that are illiterate and have never picked up a classic novel, the line stating Artemis's grin would make Judas proud is a small 'homage' to the novel Dracula, where a certain vampire's grin is described in the same exact way.

Sorry if the first chapter is too long, hopefully you weren't bored.

Last but not least, this story is inspired by an HBO drama called 'Oz'. I watched the first season On Demand, and immediately thought of this story. Hope you enjoyed it!)


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